If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize