There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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