how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize