I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
