please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
