I think im going to throw up on grandma
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
