It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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