I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
