i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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