she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
