I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You can't special order awesome
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
