I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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