I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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