How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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