I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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