after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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