Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
