did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
