Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
