My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize