trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
