Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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