Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
