Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
