Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
