I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
