my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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