Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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