so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize