mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
