Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
