i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
