I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
