Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
