my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
