What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
