I just pynch a tree in the face
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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