My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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