Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
