I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
