I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
