Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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