there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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