Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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