Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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