My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
so much tequila, so little girl.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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