so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize