I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
