New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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