The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
