i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
