She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize