bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
