thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
